Ah Gravity, thou art a heartless bitch

I’m working on being mindful. It’s all part of my “new-wonderful-life-perfect-super-fit-healthy-immaculately-dressed-hair-always-washed” me.

I decided to make myself a super healthy lunch, one befitting my newly perfect self. One of those meals with lots of brightly coloured vegetables, photographed in a bone white china bowl. Maybe with a checkered tea towel in the background. Normally, I’m rushed, almost aggressive towards my food as I cook it, desperate to eat it, to thoughtlessly consume it, and then eat more and more in a never ending binge cycle. But of course, I’m the new fantastic me now, and no longer do such things.

Instead, I tried to take my time with everything. I pretended I was one of the girls you see in those youtube videos, with perfect straight hair and soft, perfectly manicured hands, always with such long slender fingers. Have you ever noticed that? How perfectly delicate and slender their fingers are?

Anyway, I’m getting out my bowls and pots and pans preparing for the delightful treat I was about to prepare for my imaginary audience, in front of the make believe video camera, and in walks the cat.

Perfect, I think. No fictitious youtube cooking video is complete without a cat in it. It would be my little gimmick, the cat. Because he’s so cute and friendly and purrs so sweetly, and brushes so gently against my leg and OH MY GOD YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME HE JUST F’ING PEE’D ON THE FLOOR!

ok. relax.

Mindfulness remember. Calm and easy. You can edit that bit out. Oh for god sakes woman, you’re not even really filming anything!

Earlier, I had very gently and calmly chopped some mushrooms, making sure each slice was equal thickness. Sitting nicely on the chopping board in a casual pile, just I’d like seen them do in the videos I watch need to stop watching, the four remaining unchopped mushrooms now decide, for no reason whatsoever, to roll off the board and fall onto the floor. Into the cat pee.

In my scramble to catch them (I wasn’t even close, by the way) I then manage to knock with my elbow the pan of chopped onions and garlic currently simmering on the stove, tipping it all over the counter top, pan now also on the floor. Next to the pee.

Gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

Mindfulness, you are just not on my priority list right now.

Time for a meltdown.

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