Morning routines, Bridget Bardot, coffee and cigarettes

Be who you are. This is the first step towards becoming better than you are.

– J.C. Hare

This was the surprisingly harsh lesson I had to learn when I first started developing a morning routine. I was trying to come up with a routine that really worked for me, that would make me feel energised and have me ready and willing to write. Have me willing to join the day. I experimented a lot, based on things I’d read or heard, or simply thought other people did. Continue reading

Ah Gravity, thou art a heartless bitch

I’m working on being mindful. It’s all part of my “new-wonderful-life-perfect-super-fit-healthy-immaculately-dressed-hair-always-washed” me.

I decided to make myself a super healthy lunch, one befitting my newly perfect self. One of those meals with lots of brightly coloured vegetables, photographed in a bone white china bowl. Maybe with a checkered tea towel in the background. Normally, I’m rushed, almost aggressive towards my food as I cook it, desperate to eat it, to thoughtlessly consume it, and then eat more and more in a never ending binge cycle. But of course, I’m the new fantastic me now, and no longer do such things. Continue reading

We shall not forget

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old: age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn. At the going down of the sun and in the morning, we will remember them.

– Laurence Binyon

It is very easy today to feel grateful. I am grateful for my safety, and for the safety of my loved ones. I am grateful I sleep in a warm bed, and can fall asleep feeling safe and secure. I am grateful to wake up to a day that will bring me only joy and love and possibility.

But to go beyond that, to go to the men who fought and died, who went to sleep cold and alone, who woke up frightened with what the day will bring, unsure if they will see it’s end, gratitude is too small a word to express what I feel. Continue reading

Conformity

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

I feel lost.

I can’t follow through on a single action or complete a thought. I want to do something. I want follow a new course, make a change. But I’m paralysed. I seem to have lost control of my inner compass and all sense of direction.

After a full week of feeling that I’m failing at some distant and unknown achievement, of scolding myself, hating myself, I’ve had a breakthrough and found the cause of this sudden crisis. Continue reading

Introversion: a taboo lifestyle?

Introverts living under the Extroversion Ideal are like women in a man’s world, discounted because of a trait that goes to the core of who they are.

– Quiet: The Power of Introverts,  Susan Cain

I read Quiet: The Power of Introverts by Susan Cain and I have to say it made me very angry. Not about what Susan had to say, which was interesting, quite informative and shared some fascinating facts about the introvert mindset. What angered me, is that such a book needed to be written at all, that someone felt they had to stand up, speak on my behalf, and defend my natural way of being. Continue reading

Why seven years in a drawer?

Oh rose! who dares to name thee? No longer roseate now, nor soft, nor sweet; But pale, and hard, and dry, as stubble wheat, – Kept seven years in a drawer – thy titles shame thee.

These were the words I found written on a scrap of paper tucked inside an old notebook. I discovered the notebook in the bottom drawer of the bedside table in my childhood bedroom. Though I can’t say this drawer had remained unopened for seven years, despite my yearning for such powerful symbolic symmetry, I  can say that the notebook, the one of many I had throughout high school serving as outlets for the depression I continue to endure, appeared untouched, the last entry dated 9 years ago. Close enough.

Continue reading